I used to be the same as virtually everyone I know when it came to dealing with death and grieving, but I thought I was worse at it. I didn’t call, I didn’t say much and in fact, I thought that I sucked as a support person.
Recently I’ve changed my ideas. I am now a trained Demartini Method® Facilitator and it has changed my experience of grief and loss – completely. So, I am going to expunge some old beliefs …
- Experiencing grief is a bottomless pit. It’s not. One day you will feel better no matter what method you use to overcome your grief.
- It is wrong to laugh when you are in mourning. OK – so it may seem weird to some people around you, but it is quite common for people to get the ‘giggles’ at funerals; and wakes are supposed to be fun. If we truly want to celebrate someone’s life, it is great to remember the things about them that made us laugh (and laughter is a great healer)
- You should only think of the good times. Nope. I believe it is better to remember all about the person so that we can be absolutely realistic about them, warts and all. They were real, were in your life and there must have been times that they drove you mad. That is the true experience of them. Idolising their life sets too high a standard for them and you. If you try to live up to their imagined example you will be more prone to feel guilt, shame, and resentment to them and you.
- You must be brave. This is another furphy. I mean, seriously? You are brave, you are strong and you are also not brave, not strong. So what? You are human and will feel all things at different times in your life.
- You will get over it in time. It may not take you long, it may take you a long time. Some of this depends on whether you believe that you need to mourn for a period of time. Different cultures obviously have various rituals and practices around death. The Demartini Method® can help you through grief and loss in around 2-3 hours, so maybe it is up to you.